I keep finding myself retreating, vanishing, hiding. Back to a place I know and understand. Back to a place I dominate and thrive. Back to a place I own with my dagger to your throat. I recall I was sharp. I recall that I was vicious. I recall I hide a bite, a strong opinion, and a temper. I recall I had a fire that caused you to throw me against the wall before attacking my lips with your kiss.

That very fire burnt you and you put it out. You were afraid of being burnt again even though you loved it so much. I put the fire out so you'd come back. For years I worked and worked on trying to get you to touch me again. In doing so, I changed the core of myself to try to appeal to you.

But how foolish can a girl be? My soul is a pit of darkness to scare away the fools. To only allow in the daring, the brave. The ones who get to the true core of me will be rewarded with a comforting light and love so deep they'll never want again. You have to earn it, though.

Sadly, you HAD earned it. But you ran away before you ever got to kiss your reward.

It's ok though. I know who I am. I keep forgetting or changing, I keep getting distracted and turned around. But my God! I know who I am. My fingers haven't touched paper for far too long. My imagination took a vicious vacation and now I believe I may be back in full force. The violence of the razor against my skin was never as fresh as the wound you gave me. Never as deep. I don't need a scar across my breast to remember this pain- it'll never fade.

So that's where I'm left.

Now I'll drop the world to catch a firefly. Because, haven't I learned? That nothing is forever, yet some things are always constant. Anything that needs to be held, cherished, tended, and cared every moment of every day I don't want in my life. I want strength, I want independency, I want the flower I can plant and set outside and it will thrive with minimal care. I want a hardy love that can survive any number of mobs. Any trauma. Any wipe.

Cause we all know, true love is tough love. You failed.

So that's all I need to know. Sometimes, I'm certain my sadness is really disappointment. I thought higher of you than I should have.  I trusted you when obviously your word means nothing. I loved you when you didn't want it. I tried to protect you to keep you- I started to over-tend you like a fool.

I learned. The next one I'll bite into viciously and revel in his agonizing relief.